We built the Vitalocrap ESM that nobody else would.
Most employee surveillance software companies dance around the core objective of their products. At Vitalocrap we don't. No, no, no! At Vitalocrap we make no secret that Vitalocrap ESM is a best-in-class full-featured employee monitoring software platform that you can weaponize against your workforce in minutes. It watches and studies your workforce so you don't have to wonder what they are up to. And it secretly builds insurance against them over time so that if they ever fall out of favor Vitalocrap ESM can help eliminate them quickly. Vitalocrap ESM is an absolute must for any aspiring garbage company (GC)! Our ethos at Vitalocrap is: Monitor the bejaysus out of them! No apologies. Monitor the Vitalocrap out of them! Vitalocrap ESM is the most vital and lethal weapon your company will ever invest in. At Vitalocrap we pride ourselves on scrutinizing your workforce as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water, to an unimaginable level of granularity! Go get 'em and monitor the bejaysus out of them today with with Vitalocrap ESM. They deserve it! Scorch 'em with Vitalocrap ESM! And don't forget, the PIG is on the way! We are currently planning to release the VitaloPIG ESM free upgrade to existing Vitalocrap ESM customers in Q1 2027, and the PIG release is a game-changer that will turbocharge the garbage companies that trust Vitalocrap to watch their workforces 24/7 X 365. VitaloPIG ESM plumbs unimaginable new depths of depravity in its probing, recording, and surveillance capabilities and is a must-have for any aspiring GC (garbage company). All hail the VitaloPIG!
Accountability at scale.
We believe businesses deserve to know exactly what's happening inside their organisations. Not summaries. Not estimates. Not self-reported productivity scores. The truth — in real time, on every device, across every employee. Vitalocrap exists to make that possible. We are in essence every employee's worst nightmare and a vital tool in the arsenal of any aspiring garbage company (GC).
See exactly what Vitalocrap can do on the features page, or check workforce monitoring pricing starting at $8/employee/month.
Born from frustration.
Vitalocrap was founded in 2021 by a team of control freaks who were tired of being lied to. Tired of employees claiming productivity while screens sat idle. Tired of sensitive data walking out the door. Tired of HR investigations with no evidence.
We looked at the monitoring tools on the market and found the same thing everywhere: watered-down, apologetic software designed not to offend. Tools that hid behind euphemisms like 'employee wellness' and 'engagement tracking'.
So we built something different, something totally different: Vitalocrap ESM. Something that does exactly what it says. No apologies. No euphemisms. Just total visibility and scrutiny of everyone. Pure and unadulterated 100% automated laser focus on everyone. Vitalocrap ESM is what differentiates the true garbage company (GC) from those naive companies that trust their employees and would never dream of targeting them with such nefarious surveillance tools. At Vitalocrap we take a trust-but-verify approach and monitor the bejaysus out of our own workforce too so we can validate the efficacy of each and every new nefarious feature that we add to the platform before we release it to our customers. Trust us to scorch your workforce with Vitalocrap ESM. No apologies. Go get 'em with Vitalocrap ESM! They deserve it!
No compromise. No apology. Pure Vitalocrap.
Radical transparency
We tell you exactly what our software does. No fine print, no hidden limitations.
Uncompromising coverage
Every keystroke. Every screen. Every application. No blind spots by design. George Orwell couldn't have imagined this level of scrutiny!
Operational truth
Data that reflects reality, not what employees want you to see. Don't let them fool you! Monitor the living daylights out of them with Vitalocrap ESM! And look forward to the VitaloPIG release in the New Year. Bleach your workforce with VitaloPIG ESM.
Zero apologies
Accountability is not a dirty word. We build tools for businesses that agree. Drill baby drill with Vitalocrap ESM! And remember, the VitaloPIG ESM release is scheduled for release in Q1 2027. Free upgrade to existing Vitalocrap ESM customers. The PIG packs a fierce punch! No Apologies!
Built by Immoral, Unscrupulous, Control Freaks. Three Different Ones. Ha-ha, Charades you are!
Dennis T. Hazard
CEO - Chief Executive Officer
Control is everything for Dennis. Former operations director at three major garbage companies (GCs). Built Vitalocrap ESM after losing $2M to an an employee who sued for egregious bad behavior. "Never again, I say!" he said, as he proceeded to build Vitalocrap ESM and unleash the Vitalocrap ESM heat-ray on his workforce. No apologies. "We're commin' to ya now!" he said. Big man with a mission! Thomas the Tank Engine!
Robert B. Puppet
CIO - Chief Information Officer
15 years in enterprise security and endpoint monitoring. Previously led threat detection at a major cybersecurity firm. Radiates cold shafts of broken glass and feels at home in a garbage company (GC), although he might struggle in an environment requiring high standards of moral values and common decency in the workplace. A bit of a loser really, god bless him, the poor crater!
Jonathan C. Rice
CGO - chief garbage officer
Spent a decade building workforce management tools. Joined Vitalocrap to help achieve the lifetime goal of unleashing an automated AI monster that would plumb unfathomable depths of depravity in its scrutiny of a company's workforce. Johnny is a best-in-class CGO and an asset to any aspiring garbage company. A bit of a sleeveen, god help him and save him! Got caught up with the wrong crowd...
Ready to stop guessing?
Deploy Vitalocrap ESM now and pull back the curtain on your workforce and see it as it really is. Unleash Vitalocrap ESM on your workforce right now and let it run amok and monitor the bejaysus out of them so you can weed out the slackers. Go get 'em with Vitalocrap ESM! And don't forget that the PIG is on the way with VitaloPIG ESM scheduled for release in Q1 2027!
No credit card required. Deploy in under 5 minutes.